Jerry, you need to find god
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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