I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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