I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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