so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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