She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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