On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
