The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
