she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
