soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
