come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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