lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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