Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
