i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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