I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
