did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
