dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
