Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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