Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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