We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
