I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
