I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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