apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
