i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
