I puked a lego.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
