did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
