I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
