At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When did angry sex become our thing?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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