we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
