I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
