I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
God, I missed his penis.
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