meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
