Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
