It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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