hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
