Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
