After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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