I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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