She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
