she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
