you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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