I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
