i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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