i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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