I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
