Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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