Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
