I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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