these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
