I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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