I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
