Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
