My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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